so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
