Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
