i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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