So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
