I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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