all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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