I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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