There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
