He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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