i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He shit in the fireplace
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
