so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Can't talk, ducks in the car
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
