You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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