i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
This is my gift to your gina
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
You ruined the universe
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
