Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
