it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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