Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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