remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
