So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
