I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
