Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
