apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
