the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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