I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
