Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
he thought i was a dude.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
