i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
