but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
