shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
