I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
