True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
It's just like the Real World with babies
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I believe in your delicious
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