My cat gives me a boner
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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