I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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