My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
