I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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