Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
