How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
