whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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