Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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