I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
