I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You have to summon your inner elephant
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
