Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
