my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
