Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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