After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
