Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
The cops high fived after they tackled you
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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