You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
