Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
