Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
