M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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