The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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