You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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