We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
