Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
