Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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