Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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