I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
