it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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