I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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