So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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